Some people claim cannabis enhances their dreams, but the vast majority agree, it’s a dream dampener. When one is attempting to squash their dreams, as much PTSD stems from an uncontrolled dream-life, then this is a nice way to do it. But know that you are always dreaming, even if they’re sludgy, almost completely forgotten dreams.
Many times when we act “out of character”, we say, “I don’t know where that came from, that wasn’t like me.” Suppressing dreams and avoidance of emotions can lead to what appears like a break from our normal selves, although suppression is often an important tool. Take for instance holding back from road rage, acting violently (to ourselves or others), and so on. The anger may “subside”, but the rage just reluctantly takes the elevator down into our unconscious minds. Sometimes we act these fantasies out in dreams and are horrified upon awakening. Or, as another example, holding back sadness for appearances sake. Sometimes this is a good thing, but I’ve began crying in a movie theater just from hearing Bob Marley’s “Redemption Song”, unable to explain why exactly.
What goes up, must come down. And sometimes, what goes down, WILL come back up.
And while I still extol cannabis as a pain reliever, eye-opener, and when a sativa, a mild psychoactive that can be combined with a nice coffee and help one think more actively and creatively, I have been utterly and completely remiss as a result of using it as frequently as I have in relation to my efforts in Dream Exploration. But, now it’s time to face my fears, chew some bubblegum, and kick some ass.
The first time I tried a low dosage of Psilocybin mushrooms (about 1.5g), the intense, Sativa-plus qualities blew me away. Colors were more vivid, geometric patterns appeared in carpeting and clothing, and my imagination became ultra HD. I had a previously described spiritual awakening which caused me to understand my old beliefs system was causing me an unnecessary amount of guilt and shame. After going through much, I was tired of peoples’ judgment, and began to search for “another way”.
A mere 1.5g changed my life.
Since then, I had grown my own Golden Teachers and B+. On almost 3g, I had open eye visuals, verging on the spiritual, however I also understood that I had been feeding my mind previous to the trip with Sacred Geometry, examples of Metatron’s Cube used in laying out paintings of Buddha and Renaissance paintings of Christ, and so on. But I had yet to try Terrance McKenna’s “Heroic Dose” (5g or more, alone, in the dark, in silence).
So last year, I finally tried it. First, I tested out the technique with 2g, only to discover this was a much more powerful mushroom I had gotten ahold of. I sat in a darken closet, and it felt like I was on the Tower of Terror. I was prepared for the lights and geometric patterns, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the tingling presence of “other”. I was okay with the large drops and intense heights, as I had previously done 8 packets of cleaned Morning Glory seeds, and while doing intense breathing exercises, found myself feeling as though I was shot into Heaven upon the inhalations and dropped to the depths of Hell with the exhalations. This wasn’t nearly as bad.
Soon, it became a bit boring, and I was exhausted (one disadvantage to this particular mushroom, it caused the aching of joints, and vibrational sensation that the MG seeds had caused, which is akin to having a timed flu, physically speaking). I began drifting in and out of consciousness, but psilocybin doesn’t allow me to sleep (not sure if anyone could hit the hay on this particular mushroom, as the person who got me them admitted, “This was by far the strongest mushroom I’ve ever had.”). So, an interesting combination almost accorded and I wish I was at the height of my Dream training, as shown in my past posts here.
Through the wave of digital, interconnected lights of the mushrooms, I saw what appeared VERY much like a real flashlight having been turned on inside the movie theater of my mind while I was drifting off to sleep to the patterned geometric patterns of the plant. It seemed to be several yards away from me, and it flashed on and moved, but like a newb, I opened my eyes. The digital lights were still there, of course, as the trip was going to last about 5 hours, but the “flash light” disappeared. I can only presume this was a hypnogogic light produced by the brain upon drifting into sleep, but upon opening my eyes, it obviously disappeared.
I won’t even get into the Revelations that the mushrooms have shown, we’ll try and stick to the scientific side of things for now.
FAST FORWARD to THE HEROIC DOSE
I thought I had seen it all. I’ve faced dinosaur sized alligators in my dreams, fully lucid, I’ve had sleep paralysis, and brushed it off by simply closing my eyes and swimming into a lucid dream, and I’ve had at least one dream versus a “shadow person” (or fear eater, as some call these archetypal visions) and embraced it, knowing even paralyzed, this merely meant I was dreaming. On everything from 1.5g to 3g, I have done Reality Checks and it always held.
Nothing can prepare you for 5g on a supercharged psilocybin mushroom, in the dark, alone in silence.
For the record, you cannot overdose on Cannabis or Psilocybin. In fact, I’ve done a bar crawl and gotten alcohol poisoning, and vomited bile until 1pm the next day — but after a “binge” on either of these two drugs, upon awakening the next day, generally feel BETTER than waking up on a normal day. Some adventurous souls have done 30+g of mushrooms, and claim there’s a “break point” where you’re almost not even tripping, but super focused and attuned. UCF Fighters claim micro-dosing psilocybin gives them an advantage, as they feel they can almost predict attacks coming at them.
BUT, if your family is prone to psychotic breaks or if you are going through a massive amount of stress, I do advice a trip sitter. There’s a Chicken or the Egg debate regarding psilocybin and cannabis, regarding people with mental illness. Sometimes, they can help with major depression (shown in clinical studies and various test subjects), but sometimes… well, when jumping into the deep end of one’s own subconscious mind, in the Marian Trench depths, “Here There be Monsters.”
I sat in the closet, and the show began INSTANTLY. Little to no “come up”. The moment my eyes shut, I was bombarded by lights and a face that appeared like the Sun itself. It was so “in my face” and close, it was jarring. The sense that this was NOT me in control was alarming, but the point is to see what’s all in there and let it guide/instruct you. But some teachers are crueler than others, and some people have bigger “demons”. This felt like God’s headlights barreling down upon me.
Soon, I was dropping from a great height as a house-sized, black Hefty bag, filled with what was likely deadmen’s bones was falling with me, but it was upon a rollercoaster track. I was just free falling beside it. Skulls and bones popped in and out of the bag, as if shifting rather than ripping through the bag. The bag moved like a random, algarhythmic nightmare. Then I was dropped into a sea of churning meat, as if it was pumping out of a cosmic meat grinder. It was so in my face, I couldn’t handle it, so I got up and turned on the lights.
This is what Terrance McKenna would describe as “fighting the mushroom”, and much like Jacob, you’re likely to at least break a hip if you try and fight God. Is there the risk of hurting one’s self out of fear? Yes, THAT is a possibility. Or, like the inexperienced person who unknowingly eats a strong batch of cannabis cookies, you might THINK you are dying, and though you are not, calling 911 or running outside, could prove VERY embarrassing and expensive. Fortunately, nothing quite so bad happened….
I got into bed, wrapped myself in a red blanket (which made me laugh, because it appeared alive and elongated, almost like Doctor Strange’s cape), and stared at the room. What was going to happen? The sensation was EXACTLY as being in a lucid dream. I expected to see miniature elephants parading around on my floor, and I was okay with that. Something amusing, I was okay with. Something silly. Please be silly, I thought. I imagined what I looked like, curled up on my bed, looking around my room waiting for something to happen, and suddenly, I SAW myself from the perspective of about 7 feet in the air above my bed, looking down. It was so utterly vivid, it was almost panic inducing. I did a Reality Check, deciding in advance that if the RC failed, I would still treat this as reality. This. Was. Not. A. Dream.
All ten fingers accounted for (never mind that they were stretching slowly down my blankets), I then looked across the room and saw all my spiritual trinkets and protection and started laughing at how fool-hearty I was, for not applying or using ANY of them during this. I grabbed a lanyard that had an I.D. badge that merely said, “Guest” and put it around my neck to hold onto what I could feel was a growing loss of my own Ego and identity. I sat in the middle of the floor, I tried to think of some mantras or phrases that might protect me from what I could feel coming. It was as if the very Walls of Reality were shaking with the weight of several, sentient freight trains, and all the tracks met in my head.
Again, I had already given up on the darkness, now I had to be around people. Fortunately, my friend was in the next room, unaware of what I had undertaken. ::ring, ring:: “Hey, you over there? Can I come over? Yeah, I may have done something stupid.”
I came into their room, and sat down. I felt the carpet to attempt to ground myself. It did no good. He was watching a cartoon movie, and I remember thinking, “It’s one of those… those things that tells people stories… a, a MOVIE!” His tiny dog sensed what I was going through and came up to me. I pet him and he licked my face. I wasn’t upset with the animal, but his breath triggered something. Now when I closed my eyes, I could see, through only the thinnest of Confessional Booth like hatch-screens, Cthulhu. As vivid as when I opened my eyes and saw my friend. Tendrils and tentacles, wriggling every which way. I told my friend not to let me fall asleep. If I thought this was bad, I definitely didn’t want to know what I’d be in for if I closed my eyes.
Then, a sort of ::CLICK::. Who was I? If I wasn’t me? On invasive, synthetic drugs, people had become FACE-EATERS, for God’s sakes, what was *I* capable of? It felt like I had dropped into my own BIOS, and was rebooting. But who would I be when the Operating System loaded up? What viruses might I have contracted? What programs would be running?
I asked my friend if he could whip up a make-shift straight jacket out of belts. I fully understood the reason for straight jackets in that moment. I wasn’t so much worried I’d become violent (though all bets were off as far as I was concerned at that moment), but he reasoned with me. I lay in bed, and tried talking it off. He asked me at one point if I think aliens really exist, and I was able to confirm, they certainly do, and I’m seeing them then and there. I closed my eyes, and now a giant NAGA was behind the same cross-hatching, and behind these entities was nothing but SPACE. Later, I felt that these were living Jungian Archetypes, and I was actually peering into the Collective Consciousness.
I asked that my friend play Enya. It drastically improved my perspective and calmed me down. Now, even though I understood, FIRST HAND, what the phrase “going around the bend” meant, and even though the Angels I was seeing/feeling felt as much like Angles, even being “Touched by God” was better than being just looked at by these other beings. (Fun side note, “Silly” means Divinely Touched, and I got what I wished for — ie., careful what you wish for.) Enya’s “Only Time” began to warble and echo, but it was still comforting.
When I looked around in my mind, it felt as though Religion, societal rules, and all the basic concepts of the Super Ego had now also disappeared. Those Walls were all that kept the vast depths of “what is out there” at bay, and even though “out there” is where I wanted to explore, I was now petrified of it. It’s like being afraid of heights (which I am) and being held on the edge of the moon, pointed towards the Earth, and being dropped. Will you fall? Will you float off?
Most of the rest of the night was just dealing with physical bouts of nausea and a strong mental break down. I knew who and where I was, I just wanted to be DONE with the trip and sleeping. That wouldn’t come for another couple of hours.
Waking dreams is essentially psychosis. When we dream, our minds turn off our bodies (if we’re lucky) and we experience madness, daily. This is the mind’s way of processing all the information we SEE in a day, but do not necessarily acknowledge. Those with imbalancements experience Sleep Paralysis and “waking nightmares”. Some sleepwalk. Some suffer from schizophrenia, and hear voices (often, malicious ones). These are MEDICAL conditions. This is science. Psilocybin causes a sort of form of psychosis, a waking dream or nightmare, depending upon how you allow the trip to go. I fought it, and it went poorly.
I woke up earlier than I expected the next day, felt fine, and went in to work.
WHAT I LEARNED
NOW, when the boss is barking at me, I just smile slyly and stare him right in the eyes. There are far less things to be afraid of when one has stared Cthulhu in the cephalopod face and yet lived.
Also, though it didn’t quite hold in the face of all my running away from the trip (that there’s no running from), knowing the lower levels of one’s own identity is a pretty nice plus. I am NOT a face-eater. That’s good to know. I am not an inherently violent or dangerous person, again, that’s a positive. But what’s more, when I was lapsing in and out of remembering who I was, and why “this” was happening to me, I would remember, with a bit of anger that I had forgotten…
“You are the Oneironeer. You are the same person who has fought and faced many inner demons and turned nightmares into empowering, lucid dreams.”
Do I ever plan on doing this again?
Of course I do. But first, I have to return to my “kingdom” and clean house. Time to reclaim my dreams. I have forgone cannabis, soda, processed meats, McDonalds, and have a renewed focus. But more on that another time.