Discovering that your happy marriage was all a sham, and that your closest partner in life not only doesn’t want to be with you anymore, but has probably already replaced you… that’s soul crushing.
Giving a voice to the meaner part of me, the part that’s excited for new possibilities, and who’s had bones to pick and axes to grind with my soon-to-be ex-wife, has helped me survive the very, very destructive side of me that would rather at least cut myself out of shame or sadness (if not in a serious attempt to harm me) and shout at myself for the mistakes I may have made along the way that led to these things.
So now these two hold court in my mind and heart, but there’s a distant third perspective. He sits, veiled, just listening to both sides argue their points, and occasionally as I correct one or the other side, I hit upon something truer than anger or sadness, and I can almost see that third person nodding in agreement. Slowly, the sad side is fading away, as the angry side starts to almost feel empathetic and sorry for him.
I then was asked by some friends to see Guardians of the Galaxy last night, and I said yes, I would love to go to other worlds and be distracted by explosions! Unfortunately, the high of that was greeted with a crippling LOW. I’d have been worried for myself, had it not felt like I was dreaming. A few nights back, I had my first full blown panic attack. My heart pounded a mile a minute, I threw up and it felt like a bee-hive had been thrown in the front of my brain. During this panic attack, I kept seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. I expected to turn and see a dream image of some sort, but it was the waking world. I kept reality checking, for the first time ever in the “real world” with the actual expectation that I’d be dreaming.
On the lonely ride home from the movies, the blood began filling up my head. My hearing became muffled, and the lights were SO vivid. It felt very much like a dream, but I knew where I was previous to that moment, and how I had gotten there. I didn’t need to do a reality check, I was willing to just drive home, trying not to crash. I almost heard a humming, and part of me expected to see spaceships or weird happenings. Instead, I got home safe, and prayed. I prayed INTENSELY for an overwhelming calmness. To be wrapped up in a powerful ease. Soon, my prayers were answered. I was able to relax, and go to bed.
Prehistoric Pastry Shops
I fell asleep instantly, unfortunately I woke up with the sad reality of my life itching my brain, but I was so close to sleep, I attempted a WILD (Wake Initiated Lucid Dream). I don’t think I achieved it, but dwelling on it did cause me to start having false awakenings. I kept questioning whether I was really waking up or just waking up into a dream. So I imagined “waking up” in a bathtub, and soon I was in a brightly lit bathroom, getting up, fairly certain that I was dreaming.
I walked from room to room, but “sleep” was in my eyes, lights were either too bright, or lamps were shade-less and made it hard to focus, as I attempted to count the fingers on both hands. Finally, I stopped in a dark room with a small lamp, and saw my hands were in fact ALL jacked up and weird. Content that I was dreaming, I walked to a “front door” (the house bearing a resemblance to my childhood home) and opened it. The night sky was FILLED with stars and small, wispy clouds. A breeze came and I willed myself, weakly, to fly up into the air. I flew towards a very tall, moss covered tree. Barely making it to it’s high branches, I grabbed and swung off the tree, continuing to weakly fly in the direction of the bright full moon and more trees.
As I grasped onto a tree and felt it’s bark and the textures of the moss, I looked around and saw the landscape was very luminescent and prehistoric. Huge swamp waters and marshes were lit with alien plants and insectoids, under a bright moon. I looked towards my right, and a huge domed city shined nearby. I flew towards it and soon found myself within the dome.
Walking around it’s brightly lit streets, looking like a clear mid-morning day, I looked at the buildings around me. It was like the Victorian Age, Disney’s Main Street and French architecture had merged. I walked into a pastry shop which wasn’t open at that time, and walked around the inside. In the back, in a large closet within Tupperware containers, were very colorful cakes. I picked out and ate what looked like the Nickelodeon channel (circa 1993) had made Twinkies, but TASTED delicious. The texture of the spongey, vanilla cake, and the blue and pink frosting on top reminded me that I should be truly experiencing my surroundings and I recalled the moss and bark of the trees.
The room was dark, due to the shop being closed, and it soon came to my attention that a feeling of fear was creeping into my mind. I opened a door to leave, and the room behind it was pitch black and a sinewy, almost infrared man stood, arm reaching down towards the floor, was several feet in front of me. I wasn’t scared. I think part of me, in the back of my mind knew I was to enjoy this dream and remain calm no matter what, due to what the real world had instead for me. Reality was encroaching upon my lucidity, but I did know I just wanted to remain there, even if it meant I had to share it with nightmares.
I closed the door calmly, and reopened it expecting new scenery. When the door opened, I was back out onto the bright city streets. The perspective shifted, and I was seeing myself walking out and down the handful of stairs. I was wearing a black 1800s suit, something akin to a wealthy rancher. Silver-chains from at least one pocket watch strewn from vest pocket to vest pocket. I had slightly longer hair, combed back. I turned to give someone directions and I looked happy. This in turn made me feel happy.