A Wondrous Lucid (Losing a Loved One), and Panic Attacks (Psychosis?)

Discovering that your happy marriage was all a sham, and that your closest partner in life not only doesn’t want to be with you anymore, but has probably already replaced you… that’s soul crushing.

Giving a voice to the meaner part of me, the part that’s excited for new possibilities, and who’s had bones to pick and axes to grind with my soon-to-be ex-wife, has helped me survive the very, very destructive side of me that would rather at least cut myself out of shame or sadness (if not in a serious attempt to harm me) and shout at myself for the mistakes I may have made along the way that led to these things.

So now these two hold court in my mind and heart, but there’s a distant third perspective. He sits, veiled, just listening to both sides argue their points, and occasionally as I correct one or the other side, I hit upon something truer than anger or sadness, and I can almost see that third person nodding in agreement. Slowly, the sad side is fading away, as the angry side starts to almost feel empathetic and sorry for him.

I then was asked by some friends to see Guardians of the Galaxy last night, and I said yes, I would love to go to other worlds and be distracted by explosions! Unfortunately, the high of that was greeted with a crippling LOW. I’d have been worried for myself, had it not felt like I was dreaming. A few nights back, I had my first full blown panic attack. My heart pounded a mile a minute, I threw up and it felt like a bee-hive had been thrown in the front of my brain. During this panic attack, I kept seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. I expected to turn and see a dream image of some sort, but it was the waking world. I kept reality checking, for the first time ever in the “real world” with the actual expectation that I’d be dreaming. 

On the lonely ride home from the movies, the blood began filling up my head. My hearing became muffled, and the lights were SO vivid. It felt very much like a dream, but I knew where I was previous to that moment, and how I had gotten there. I didn’t need to do a reality check, I was willing to just drive home, trying not to crash. I almost heard a humming, and part of me expected to see spaceships or weird happenings. Instead, I got home safe, and prayed. I prayed INTENSELY for an overwhelming calmness. To be wrapped up in a powerful ease. Soon, my prayers were answered. I was able to relax, and go to bed.


Prehistoric Pastry Shops

I fell asleep instantly, unfortunately I woke up with the sad reality of my life itching my brain, but I was so close to sleep, I attempted a WILD (Wake Initiated Lucid Dream). I don’t think I achieved it, but dwelling on it did cause me to start having false awakenings. I kept questioning whether I was really waking up or just waking up into a dream. So I imagined “waking up” in a bathtub, and soon I was in a brightly lit bathroom, getting up, fairly certain that I was dreaming.

I walked from room to room, but “sleep” was in my eyes, lights were either too bright, or lamps were shade-less and made it hard to focus, as I attempted to count the fingers on both hands. Finally, I stopped in a dark room with a small lamp, and saw my hands were in fact ALL jacked up and weird. Content that I was dreaming, I walked to a “front door” (the house bearing a resemblance to my childhood home) and opened it. The night sky was FILLED with stars and small, wispy clouds. A breeze came and I willed myself, weakly, to fly up into the air. I flew towards a very tall, moss covered tree. Barely making it to it’s high branches, I grabbed and swung off the tree, continuing to weakly fly in the direction of the bright full moon and more trees.

As I grasped onto a tree and felt it’s bark and the textures of the moss, I looked around and saw the landscape was very luminescent and prehistoric. Huge swamp waters and marshes were lit with alien plants and insectoids, under a bright moon. I looked towards my right, and a huge domed city shined nearby. I flew towards it and soon found myself within the dome.

Walking around it’s brightly lit streets, looking like a clear mid-morning day, I looked at the buildings around me. It was like the Victorian Age, Disney’s Main Street and French architecture had merged. I walked into a pastry shop which wasn’t open at that time, and walked around the inside. In the back, in a large closet within Tupperware containers, were very colorful cakes. I picked out and ate what looked like the Nickelodeon channel (circa 1993) had made Twinkies, but TASTED delicious. The texture of the spongey, vanilla cake, and the blue and pink frosting on top reminded me that I should be truly experiencing my surroundings and I recalled the moss and bark of the trees. 

The room was dark, due to the shop being closed, and it soon came to my attention that a feeling of fear was creeping into my mind. I opened a door to leave, and the room behind it was pitch black and a sinewy, almost infrared man stood, arm reaching down towards the floor, was several feet in front of me. I wasn’t scared. I think part of me, in the back of my mind knew I was to enjoy this dream and remain calm no matter what, due to what the real world had instead for me. Reality was encroaching upon my lucidity, but I did know I just wanted to remain there, even if it meant I had to share it with nightmares.

I closed the door calmly, and reopened it expecting new scenery. When the door opened, I was back out onto the bright city streets. The perspective shifted, and I was seeing myself walking out and down the handful of stairs. I was wearing a black 1800s suit, something akin to a wealthy rancher. Silver-chains from at least one pocket watch strewn from vest pocket to vest pocket. I had slightly longer hair, combed back. I turned to give someone directions and I looked happy. This in turn made me feel happy. 

 

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Posted in Abandoned House, Dream Description, Flying, Food, Lucidity, WILD | Leave a comment

Marital Separation, Long Lucids and Unhappy/Happy Dreams

Well, despite having a few followers, I mostly still feel like this is a glorified diary and record of dreams. Which, if “all” it was was a record of my dreams, it’s existence would be validated — but right now I’m going to briefly use it more as a diary for a moment.

My wife and I are having difficulties. In as far as it is up to me, I would like to reconcile and work on them, however it isn’t really up to me. This is my second marriage, so in the daytime, I am morbidly worried and saddened. For the last week, I’ve had to take sleep aid and melatonin to get any rest. The stress levels, added with the supplements I’m taking to sleep, have caused me some strange dream side-effects.

The first dream I can remember having after being informed of my wife’s grievances, involved my meeting Jack Nicholson. It was in a small restaurant (possibly a pizza joint) with small/medium tables. We were both drinking beers and having small talk. I kept telling myself to play it cool and not spoke him as a fan, and he was totally chill. I wanted some kind of proof for friends later, however, but didn’t want to snap photos of him with my phone. The only thing I could come up with was saving his beer bottle after we were done, which in retrospect doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, unless I was going to get a DNA swab later on. As we got up, Jack paid for our drinks and offered me the change.

Later that night, I remember waking up and falling back to sleep. The dreams I had then were much more upsetting, where I was conscious of my situation and crying within my dreams. 

Then a night or two ago, I became aware that I was dreaming, with little to no trigger or reality checks. I wondered the strange, angular dark city within my dream with a nonchalance that came with deep down knowing my real life was going badly. I flew up sides of black and grey buildings, across a shadowy beach that crashed against the coast of the city. I even had trouble maintaining flight, but was in the least bit anxious about falling from the sky into the ocean. I just let it envelope me, which transferred me into another dream.

In that dream, I was still lucid, and still wondering this city. But now there were people. Not overly angry or sadistic, I engaged a few street thugs to blow off a bit of steam and to experience something a bit more tactile. After that, I moved on wishing the dream would never end.

Then later than night, I dreamt that my brother was driving me on the back of a motorcycle to my ex-wife’s. I really didn’t want to have to go there, and kept wondering how I pass the time when I do visit (in reality, I haven’t spoken with my ex-wife in eight years, let alone visited “her place”). She had an overly excitable basset hound in the dream, and I “remembered” that playing with the stupid, fat dog was about all I did when I came by. Interestingly, this dream triggered the memory that my wife (then girlfriend) did in fact own a basset hound when we first met (21 years ago) and for many years later. I had not consciously thought about that dog (Patches) in what feels like at least a decade. She, and later we, had cats — and the fact that she had this dog had completely slipped my memory. 

When I say down and entertained the dog, I noticed everyone had left and it was just my ex and I. There was a giant television set, playing a strange Japanese cultural event I didn’t understand. It was a bit like some extreme cake-making show, meets a morbid effigy pageant. An enormous cake/life model of a fat man was being parading out. Crowds began cutting into “him” and pulling out sausages and containers with fluids, tossing them to and fro. Soon I began to realize that the room we were in was becoming a mess from the vivisection of this giant cake man, and frosting and cake, amongst other more nasty things, were being toss about the large open room. My ex wife and I were embarrassed, because we had realized that we had partaken in this slaughter, and even were enjoying ourselves, together, and that once people came back home, they would see what we had done, together, and judge us. We laid, partially holding each other, chuckling nervously about our situation.

I got up and walked outside for a second to see if people were coming home, and to prepare how I was going to tell them that my ex-wife and I had made this mess and yes, enjoyed it. I went back inside, resolute that we had turned some sort of emotional page, but upon reentering, I saw that the mess was miraculously cleaned up and that there was no need to explain anything to anyone. I very saddened and disappointed by this.

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Pain Anchored Wake Initiated Lucid Dream

I woke up last night after a few hours of sleep, with horrible intestinal pain. I must’ve ate something bad, and thought a quick visit to the bathroom and some Imodium AD would take care of it, but after returning to bed, I was instantly in pain again. I got back up, and back to bed several times, but to no avail.

Finally, I gave up on the bed, as I didn’t want to annoy my wife who had to get up pretty early (as did I). The dread was upon me that I wouldn’t get any sleep the night before a pretty full work week and I’d be starting things off pretty horribly. I took some more medicine, drank some ginger ale, and laid on the down stairs couch. With my legs pulled up on the couch, I slowly started feeling better. I was tired, but not falling asleep, so I returned back to bed once more.

Instantly, the discomfort returned. Screw it, I said, I’d stay down stairs. I laid there, just hoping the discomfort would subside enough for me to fall asleep. It hung there, dull, in the background, but was better. I kept worrying about the pain’s return, but continued to drift towards sleep. Soon I was thinking random, odd nearly dreaming thoughts, and was self aware enough to be glad I was that close to falling back to sleep. Then I was feeling the vibrations of sleep paralysis occurring, and was MORE than happy to be so close to fully asleep. In fact, I remember thinking even if I just have to stay in this state, right on the cusp of sleep, it’d be infinitely better than laying awake in pain. Then I started hearing the voices. These didn’t frighten me, because again, I knew it just meant I was for all intents and purposes, asleep.

Another wave of vibrations occurred, and I was well into the dreaming. I knew if I slowly stood up “off the couch”, I’d in fact be sleeping and merely dreaming. Soon I was standing downstairs in the middle of the day, and the living room french doors were opened to a view of a car port we don’t actually own, on a street that’s not quite our own.

I walked outside, and saw a sad excuse for a cosplayer, dressed as Batman. I wanted to simultaneously toss the guy into the sky and yet stay chill and asleep. So I casually kicked him in the butt as I walked by, hands in my pockets. Another person passed by on the street, but I was now determined to just remain calm. The last thing I wanted was to wake up, I didn’t care so much about waking up and recording my dream as I did getting some sleep after all that pain and restlessness.

I walked across the street, which appeared similar, but different, from an old street I once lived on years ago. When I got to the other side of the road, instead of course, prickly sand and weeds, the ground was colorful, child safe foam with patterns that were inviting. I decided why not lay down and relax IN a dream knowingly, which really felt like the most restful thing I could do. I wanted to remain slightly conscious, so I’d look up at the street now and then.

Then there was a boy, playing with a spade, pail and some toys. I smiled at him as he played, but put my finger to my lips, “Shhhhh…” He smiled back and was mostly quietly. When he clanked his pail, I politely and calmly pulled the spade away from the pail and again pleaded, “Shhhhh…”

Then I got too comfortable, and the dream began to shift. I welcomed it. Rather than being IN a dream, I wanted to conduct a dream. I’d be content to watch some odd, dream created, television of the mind, if that’s what my brain was deciding to do. I didn’t want to put up a fight. I do remember thinking, “Let’s make this an ’80s tv show.” It had the washed out film grain and color palette of old shows like Hill Street Blues and Barney Miller, lots of light browns and tans. The title shot focused on what looked like a storage unit. There on the street in front of it was Blair from Facts of Life. I was amused by this incredibly random casting, and watched as she walked into her small apartment, dealing with life on her own in the city.

Soon the dream shifted again, and I was content to now be a passenger completely, and the last thing I wanted was to wake myself up. Eventually I believe I did wake up, and brushed some hair away that was tickling my forehead, and fell back to sleep. Again I entered sleep paralysis, and this time I was placed inside a full and busy house. I walked into a room, but fairly quick drifted into a deep sleep. The next thing I knew, my wife was waking me up.

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Random Non-Flights of Fancy (An Accidental Return to W.I.L.D.ing)

This morning I woke up after about 5 to 6 hours of sleep, having to use the restroom. Afterwords, as I return to bed I just sat there mildly awake, with the sun out as it was roughly 7 AM. I decided to go downstairs and lay on the couch due to a headache that I had. I took some headache medicine and just laid there trying to fall back to sleep.

At one point I thought to myself how it’s been a long time since I maintained purposeful lucid dreaming via the “wake, back to bed” technique, and an especially long time since I attempted a W.I.L.D. (wake initiated lucid dream).
I made a mental note to start trying to do this on days off and/or days I didn’t have to be at work too early, and drifted back to sleep. Soon, my wife woke me up as she had to start getting ready for work, so I went back upstairs, used the restroom again, and while returning to bed, I had a strange sensation, so I did a quick reality check (counting both hands for all 10 fingers).

I fell back to sleep almost instantly, and was soon dreaming of something strange enough for me to do another reality check now in my dreams. I was tired of flying once I’ve discovered I’m dreaming, but unfortunately without any kind of goals I just resorted to the more base, antisocial things you cannot do in real life. I started to break things first and then attempted to go outside for sexual escapades.

Bear in mind that despite the word lucid being in the phrase “lucid dreaming”, you’re not necessarily thinking with your waking mind. In other words, sometimes I remember to hold back because I do indeed intend to blog about these dreams later, other times I’m just too excited to discover I can “do anything” because I’m only dreaming and not thinking clearly enough for the conscience to interfere with the unconscious/vaguely conscious decisions I then make. Usually this results in quickly losing lucidity.

This is why dream goals are good to have, and maintaining a conscious effort to have lucid dreams keeps those goals in the forefront of your dreaming mind.

However, in order to go outside, I’d have to step through a door, and leave the imaginary apartment that I was in and found hard to maintain now that I was lucid, and form an entirely new scenario outside. I opened the door while closing my eyes and trying to calmly imagine the outside. Soon I was walking out onto the sidewalks adjoining attractive condos and 2-story apartments, lots of greenery, and a sunbathing beauty outside of the next home….. 😘

But of course, any excitable activity shifted the dream, and I started to wake up. I went numb and relaxed. I could hear my real room’s fan, but I just let it lull me back into another dream.

I attempted and failed to resurrect the previous scenario, and soon was dreaming something totally new and unrelated. But once again, I was reality checking and off and trying to explore my new dream environment. I remember thinking, “I’ll never remember all these details, not into my third dream now,” and sure enough, I don’t. Just the above vague main points.

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Rollicking Lucid Motorway

I was dreaming that I was in a house with my sister and my niece. It suddenly dawned on me that my niece was named AFTER my sister (which, in fact, is NOT the case) and all these years I didn’t realize they had the same name. We went outside, and there were snakes in the driveway. I couldn’t tell if they were poisonous or not, though they had yellow rings around their necks.

It was dark out, and I was worried since I saw a few more that this was an epidemic. My sister wasn’t being careful, and seemed flippant. She pointed out that she had a pet tiger, and it was in the neighbor’s driveway, and if that didn’t frighten her, why should snakes? I was terrified! She wanted to show me that the tiger wasn’t a threat, but it did not seem non-threatening. I suddenly decided it’s time to do a reality check.

Sure enough, I had several extra fingers. I instantly blew off the dream I was having, and took off into the air. I flew around for a bit, and pushed people aside. But soon I grew tired and curled up and willed a new scenario.

Now it was daylight and I was in an open air vehicle, with my seat raised up like I was in a miniature, cartoon dragster. I started riding down the road, ploughing in and out of lanes. I kept trying to remind myself that I was dreaming, because I knew I had the tendency to forget when I get in the swing of things. I saw a guy driving with a bunch of girls in his car. In my mind now I remember him as very cartoonish, almost like a caricature of a handsome, go lucky kind of guy. I swerved into his lane to scare him a little, which only got his attention. He kind of chuckled, and we began toying with each other. I’d toss things towards his car to see if I could get them into his window which was open. His car group laughed and shouted things back to me. They tossed things back. At one point something hit my head, which annoyed me since this was MY dream.

So I grew bored with that and swerved into their lane so that they crashed into an off ramp divider. There wasn’t any detailed wreck afterwards, but people surrounded the area that the crash should have taken place in and rubber necked. I admired my missing destruction, still vaguely aware that I was in fact only dreaming. I felt myself begin to awaken, so I tried not to fight it and see if I could simply drift into another dream, but I heard the fan in my room and my wife getting ready for work in the morning.

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Nightmare Land

I was in control of a girl’s journal through stages of a nightmare, where she was supposed to be the lucid dreamer. My job was to put her thru the ringer, to test her ability to maintain control and lucidity. On winding rails, me and my team of unseen forces were encasing her within a coffin whilst singing a creeping “hum, ho, deedly dee,” song.
She began to lose her mind as fire and caverns surrounded us and corpse heads popped up from behind rocks to sing along, and I was upset because I realized that her “dream mastery” had been forfeited by her getting too distracted with fear and forgetting that she was only dreaming. I even tried showing her how you just had to ball yourself up and let it all melt away… As I did this, the dream swirled and I was transferred into another dream, still not quite acknowledging that -I- was in fact dreaming.

I also dreamt I was waiting on a friend who was a managing consultant in a very strange business that I didn’t quite have a handle on. He was finishing up with a client who was on the verge of “rediscovering” his ancient, lost pagan god name, and if he could just remember it and his followers, he could regain his powers. In the dream, however, I remember thinking the guy was a loser, though possibly really who he claimed to be.

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The Travel Channel

While I didn’t have the most lucid dreams last night (only one brief portion of a single dream temporarily had me self aware), there was plenty of flying. Mostly, it was a night of taking trips.

Not certain of the order these occurred in, but the best of them involved my friend and I going on a cross country trip, via a winged glider. My wife couldn’t make the trip due to work, and my friend really wanted to go along. Flying above interstates to make sure we were going the right way, we’d occasionally go off path to see the sights.

The glider had a radio. We’d joke back and forth about what the disc-jockey was saying. I worried now and again that my friend was offsetting our weight with where on the glider he was holding onto. At one point we flew over a small airport, where mostly helicopters were taking off, but also some small pricate planes were taxing. I thought, “Maybe I should have flown a-round the airport,” but we were safe enough.

Then things turned a little strange, as we decided to land in this outcrop of large trees which housed a humanoid race of beautiful tree-creatures. Perhaps they were the sirens of our journey, because it distracted not only from our trip, but completely killed this portion of the dream, as I do not remember what happened next.

Short Side Trips

I only have a vague visual image from a dream that was almost cartoonish, which occurred on a cruise ship. I want to say there were animated sea creatures in cruise crew attire. This was either an odd side dream, or the setup for a new dream, in which dozens of our friends and acquaintances were going on a multi-portioned trip. I recall having to deal with either stealing back my own car, or replacing a car that wasn’t ours so people wouldn’t have suspected we used it. I also remember thinking some in our huge caravan had already left for the next leg, and some hadn’t yet arrived at our current destination.

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